Adipose Hankies - Advantages and Disadvantages

I have two very large adipose hankies that I have with me all the time. I carry them everywhere I go, whether I want to or not. I really have no choice, as I’m very attached to them. My adipose hankies start a few inches below my neck and extend down almost to my waist. When I was younger, these handkerchiefs were smaller, and their composition was different. In fact, they once practically defied gravity. Alas, gravity has won the final battle. Of course, the situation is improved when I wear an industrial-strength adipose tissue holder. When I wear such a device, each adipose hankie is temporarily “whipped back into shape,” returned to their former glory. With or without the support, however, the adipose handkerchiefs can pose real problems.

Adipose hankies often cause problems. For one, they’re always catching any bits of food and drink that might miss my mouth as I eat. Instead of these stray particles landing in my napkin-covered lap, they wind up on the hankies. Practically all my shirts and blouses have stains in the adipose hankie area, thanks to their unique location. Sometimes, the crumbs wind up in the hankies – in the deep, cavernous crevice between the two. A miserly bearer of adipose hankies might find this the perfect opportunity for stowing future snacks.

Another problem with having extra-large handkerchiefs is that they can really get in the way. Running and jumping can be dangerous when the hankies are not properly controlled. For example, jumping rope could easily result in two black eyes, or perhaps even a broken nose. In fact, a concussion is not completely out of the question.

Ginormous handkerchiefs can also affect your balance, making you lean forward. And if one adipose hankie is significantly larger than the other, you'll be even more off-kilter. For example, if the left adipose hankie is a lot larger and heavier than the right one, you'll constantly find yourself "listing to port," much like a floundering ship. In this case, you'll probably try to compensate for the imbalance by throwing your weight to your right side. That's why my right hip and right knee are in such bad shape. In fact, I have no cartilage remaining in the affected knee, thanks to my upfront adipose tissue.

The sheer weight of the protuberances can wreak real havoc. I have nerve damage in my neck as a result of "toting" this adipose tissue for so many years. To get an idea of what I’m talking about, try this experiment: Go to the supermarket and purchase two 20-pound bags of sugar and a roll of duct tape. Tape both bags of sugar to your chest and leave them in place for 24 hours. During the experimental period, go about your daily routine. If you complete the suggested time period, please get back to me with your results.

Advantages of large adipose hankies

Having large adipose hankies isn’t all bad. There are some advantages involved, also. They provide a great hiding place, and if the handkerchiefs are large enough, you can store small items beneath each one, and they’ll never be detected. Paper money, coins, packs of cigarettes, jewelry, a set of keys, and an extra pair of panties can all be concealed there and held snugly against your body, beneath the adipose tissue. Heck, I’ve even stowed fishing gear in my special hiding place on walks to the pier when my hands were full!

This brings up another point: adipose hankies are wonderful hand warmers. No matter how low the mercury drops, beneath the handkerchiefs, it’s always toasty and warm. Simply place your right hand beneath your left hankie, and your left hand beneath the adipose hankie on the right side. Voila! Cozy flesh mittens made from adipose tissue!

Another advantage of really large adipose hankies is that they could actually save your life. Because they’re made almost entirely of adipose tissue, they float on water. It’s almost impossible to drown with this built-in Mae West-style lifejacket. Whenever you find yourself on a boat or ship where the captain requires everyone to wear a flotation device, you can opt out of the requirement and still be perfectly safe. Of course, they’re not exactly Coast Guard-approved, but that’s just a matter of time, in my opinion. Not everyone has been educated on the serious advantages of enormous adipose hankies – yet.