Good Friends: Men and Women?

I love having good friends. I know people who swear they don’t need friends, but I’m not among their number. I like having good friends, and I need to have good friends. I’ve wondered sometimes if one of the reasons some of the “friend-challenged” folks I know need the services of a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a counselor is because they don’t have close friends. I haven’t needed one of these professionals so far, and I attribute this to my having not just good friends, but intimate friends. While I have lots of good friends, I have only a handful of intimate friends – ones I’d trust with anything.

Over the years, I’ve had numerous good friends who were male. I never really thought this was unusual, partly because I grew up as a tomboy and “hung out” more with the guys than I did with the girls. While my gal pals were busy entertaining themselves with Barbie, baby dolls, and Easy-Bake ovens, I was usually outdoors with the boys, riding ponies, fishing, or playing football or baseball. In elementary school, I was the only girl who was allowed to play baseball with the boys at recess.

Based on my childhood, it was easy for me to remain friends with guys after I’d reached adulthood. Some of my best friends have been and are men. And yes, I’m married. In fact, I’m happily married. I honestly thought it was natural for men and women to be good friends – until I joined the work force and realized this issue is often hotly debated. And from my personal experience, I also discovered that there can be pitfalls in a man-woman friendship.

Of all the friendships I’ve had with men, only once did the physical attraction problem ever come up (no pun intended). I was good friends with a guy several years ago, and there was a strong mutual attraction between us. I didn’t know his wife well, but I liked her. I didn’t want to be attracted to “Bob,” but I couldn’t help it – it was a physical thing beyond my control. And while I couldn’t help the attraction, I could control how I handled it. I sincerely explained to him how much I loved my husband, even though I considered him (Bob) a very good friend. The friendship suffered, however, and it finally dissolved.

Other than this one man, I’ve never had a problem with maintaining a friendship with a guy. Even when I thought the guys in question was nice, witty, and handsome, I just never thought of them in “that way.” They were more like brothers to me than potential lovers.

I think if women lay some ground rules, they’ll find that men can be good friends. Following are a few relationship help suggestions you might want to consider when you want to be JUST good friends with a man.

Be honest about your significant other

If you want to remain good friends with a man, don’t complain about your husband to him all the time. Some women enjoy husband-bashing to their guy pals in hopes of getting a male perspective on the issue. A man might take this as a sign that you’re genuinely unhappy in your relationship, and that you might be looking for a replacement. He might not understand that you’re just using him as a “sounding board,” just as you’d do with your girlfriends.

I’m not saying that you should never seek the male perspective – sometimes it can be extremely helpful. Just be careful not to overdo it. If you want to see problems with your husband from a male point of view, it’s okay to ask for occasional feedback from your guy pal, but make sure he understands that you love your husband and that you’re just trying to understand him better in order to improve your relationship or marriage.

Flirting

I’ve had problems with flirting. People are always accusing me of being flirtatious, but I often don’t see it. I joke around and cut up with everyone – male and female. I’ve learned, however, that you need to be careful with this. Some men will interpret your actions as an invitation. Of course, this problem has arisen more with guys who weren’t good friends. My guy pals know me well enough to understand that I’m just having fun.

Be open and honest

It’s important to be open and honest about your male friendships where your husband is concerned. Don’t go behind his back in order to be good friends with a guy. If you do, and your husband finds out about the friendship later, this could cause some major problems in your marriage. I learned this a long time ago: If there’s nothing to hide, don’t hide it. If you feel guilty about being good friends with a man, perhaps you need to examine the friendship. There might be more to it than you’re willing to admit – even to yourself.

If you and the man in question really are just good friends, why not include your husband sometimes in your outings? Invite the guy over to your home sometimes, when your husband is there. If your hubby is at all threatened by your relationship with the “other man,” getting to know your guy pal might help alleviate your spouse’s fears.