Impress Others with Winning Wedgie Techniques

Consider wedgie techniques. We’ve all experienced the “butt crack” problem - you know, when your undies become bunched up in the cleft of your buttocks, causing an uncomfortable wedgie. Actually, I suppose not everyone has enjoyed this phenomenon – like my husband, for example. You see, in order for drawers to get trapped in your butt crack, you must first have a butt crack. Poor Johnny has such a flat butt that there is virtually no crack there - no hiney cleavage to speak of - so it’s not a problem for him or for other people (most often males) who resemble a frog in a pair of pants and the ones who take their noassatol tablets daily. Such individuals have little need for wedgie techniques.

Another group not affected by wedgies is the thong-wearing crowd. They seem to be genetically oblivious to wedgies, and in fact, they invite them and evidently embrace them, so they have no need of wedgie techniques. How anyone could endure this butt floss is beyond me, but each to his (or her) own!

For us “normal” folks, however, the problem is rampant, and this issue is not addressed by Miss Manners' writings. I know because I'm Southern, and we had to study Miss Manners extensively. Most of us seem to frequently have “Injun drawers” that sneak up on us. Perhaps you’ve been asked if you were going to the movies – you know, because you had “your seat all picked out.” This should tell you that you’re not “de-cracking” properly and others are witnessing your attempts, which is a faux pas in most social circles. Below are some strategies to help you de-crack with discreet wedgie techniques.

The thigh sneak

For this, you simply slide your hand slowly and nonchalantly up your thigh until you feel the edge of your drawers. Once this is accomplished, give the offending undies a slight tug – just enough to get them into a more comfortable position.

The fake scratch

For this wedgie technique, act as if you were scratching your lower back. Insert your hand into your underwear and push out with your fingers. Unless the garment is deeply imbedded in the crevice, the fake scratch is usually sufficient in returning your panties, briefs, or boxers into their normal position.

The quick snatch

The quick snatch involves grabbing your drawers and quickly pulling them out of your crack. When done in public, you must first avert the attention of onlookers before attempting this maneuver. You can point in any direction and say something like, “Hey – what kind of bird is that?” If you’re in a group of men, something like, “Damn! That girl isn’t wearing a top!” is extremely effective. Quickness is imperative here, as the attention of the onlookers will be diverted for only a second or two. Because of this, it’s best to practice the quick snatch at home in front of a mirror until you’ve completely mastered the skill.

The redneck grab

This is an unabashed, bold wedgie technique that is often used by rednecks, potheads, and drunks. The move is not intended to be subtle or secretive, and instead, is quite overt. It’s the I-don’t-give-a-damn-if-you-see-me-pull-my-drawers-out-of-my-butt-crack strategy, but it can be socially softened somewhat by pretending to be drunk or stoned, even if you are neither.

The high step

This is one of the most widely used wedgie techniques of all, but you must have a stair, a curb, or some other elevated surface on which to step in order for the move to be effective. To use this strategy, simply exaggerate the motion of stepping up onto the higher surface. For example, if it’s the left side of your drawers that’s trapped, step widely and extra high onto the stair or curb with your left leg. This action has about a 60% chance of success.

The sham stretch

This is an excellent strategy to use when both butt cheeks are affected. Begin with a small stretch, then place both hands on the small of your back, while uttering, “Oh, my aching back.” While your companions are wondering why your back is hurting from sitting on the couch and eating Cheetohs, you can subtly slide both hands down and free your underwear from its smelly prison.

The frontline

Some people don't realize that underwear can also be set free from a frontal attack. If you pull hard enough from the front, the drawers will be forced out of your crack. Of course, the problem here is that people might assume you're committing another private act in public that's an even bigger faux pas than retrieving your drawers, so you run the risk of being labeled a pervert or sexual miscreant instead of being just a run-of-the-mill rube. The choice is up to you.

The avoidance

This strategy is simple and is 100% effective – don’t wear any underwear! It might take some getting used to at first, but once you’ve mastered it, you’ll never again have to deal with those pesky “Injun drawers.” As an added bonus, you won’t be bothered with panty lines when wearing tight jeans, slacks, or skirts, either. It’s a win-win situation!

Which wedgie techniques are right for you?

Depending on your unique style and each individual situation, you'll need to master at least a couple of different wedgie techniques. As mentioned above, practicing in the privacy of your own home is paramount to success. Also, some strategies work better in certain situations than others will. It's best to have an arsenal of effective wedgie techniques at your beck and call.